Just Keep Swimming

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Christopher

Ok, this is where I get sick of myself, sick of my own existence and sick of life itself.

Please don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not suicidal. Even the very thought is abhorrent to me. It’s just that I’m losing hope. And I hate it.

Every single day, feeling low. Every single day, having no direction. Every single day, thinking that my life has no meaning. It’s hard not to look back and envision the different paths my life could have taken, the different decisions I could have made.

However, there’s no point to looking back. I can only plow forward. I have no intention of giving up. It’s just not in my nature to do so. But I have no direction, even for photography, the one hobby I’ve wanted to make a career out of the most. How do I keep going when I truly don’t know what I want to do and where to go from here? All I can do is just try to get any job and see where it leads.

The other prevailing thought in my head today is that I have some major cleaning up to do in my life, starting with my bedroom. It’s probably the one thing that I look at every morning when I wake up that gets me immediately feeling down. Papers and crap everywhere. This will be dealt with this weekend.

Ending on a good note, I applied to two jobs today, cleaned up the kitchen more, worked on and posted another panoramic photo I wanted to complete and did some laundry. It’s important to try to keep doing things when you’re going through dysthymia and chronic depression. It keeps the mind from being bogged down and focused on something. Just like posting this entry on my blog keeps the last entry, the last really low point in the blog, from being the top entry.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

Posted in Personal Thoughts, Random Ramblings | 3 Comments

Ten Minutes Difference

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Christopher

Here’s a “sprawling” sunrise… you can see just how much difference in waiting ten minutes makes for an outdoor photo.


5:32 am on 5/18/2012


5:42 am on 5/18/2012

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Broken

Posted on May 5, 2012 by Christopher

Trying so hard to be strong now, but I feel so weak.

This last month, I lost my job. The depression following that blow was nothing short of paralyzing. I had to fight it just to get at least one application filled out every day. Now, today, after a talk with my girlfriend, we had a mutual break-up, while agreeing to be each other’s best friend. That last part, I have to admit, is small comfort for the pain that’s eating me up as I type this. She’s been hurting for a long while, struggling with her own issues while I tried to deal with mine. It hurt me so much to see her going through much inner turmoil and I knew that she, because of the nature of the problem, would not find peace with herself as long as she was still in a relationship with me. We both agreed that her struggle to find peace with herself takes priority over our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I had to make the offer to step away and let her find herself. She took it, and I’m proud of her courage. It’s much more courage than I have right now. I feel so lost and alone. I feel broken. I feel like crawling into a hole to wither away. I feel so confused and scared for my future. My world has just gotten very cold and desolate. I have no other words to describe how I’m feeling. With all that has happened in less than a month… I just feel so lifeless…

Broken…

But I’ll still carry on…

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Morning Mine

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Christopher

The music comes on. He hits the snooze bar. He blearily makes out the time on his phone cradled to the portable speakers: 8:00 am. Still too tired, he shuts his eyes again.

The music comes on. He hits the snooze bar. 8:20 am. A muffled “Ergh…” escapes him before he drops the eyelids again.

The music comes on. 9:10 am. And then 9:40. And then 10:10.

At 10:38 am, he finally gets the idea that he really should be waking up now, head sore from the erratic sleep he’s been getting from wrestling with his own body’s internal clock. A screwed-up internal clock. He sits up, swinging his legs to the side of the bed, hoping that the broken sleep will help urge him into sleeping earlier tonight. Hearing a soft clicky-kissy noise, he lifts his head to the avian pet sitting on a rope boing in a large-ish cage. He gives the parrot a weak smile, as the bird stares at him intently, and then proceeds to put on the loose flannel pants and sweater that were left carelessly by him on the floor yesterday.

He grabs the smartphone, the one that’s been acting as his alarm, from its cradle on the bookshelf by the bed, and starts off to leave the bedroom… before turning back quickly to get the digital media pad he uses to read the morning news (along with choice snippets of what his friends and family say they’re doing and thinking). While he leaves the bedroom, the green parrot gives out another kissy sound, which the human gives back. Down the stairs he goes, still bleary but more conscious with every step taken. He feels the need for breakfast, never mind that he’s not quite hungry anyways. He pads his way to the kitchen along the cool, tiled floor of the living room. Grabbing a ceramic tan bowl, almond milk and his cereal of choice, he puts them together with the usual care of someone that is still trying to wake up. He sits down on the living room couch, his preferred eating area, with the bowl on the seat’s left arm, and then mentally chides himself while getting back up to get his supplements from the kitchen cupboard.

He sits back down, eating and reading, flitting around various news topics of the world and his hobbies, not noticing an hour pass by. Ok, coffee time… he thinks to himself as he gets back to the kitchen to warm up a cup of coffee. His roommate left him more than enough of the dark brew in the form of a medium glass pot. Coffee warmed, with enough creamer to make it look chocolatey and enough sweetener to take the bitterness down a few notches, he sits back in his favorite spot on the couch… and decides to write.

This is me. Hi, I’m Chris. =)

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Most Recent Photo News

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Christopher

Ok, so… I haven’t been posting here. Most of my presence on the Internet lately has been on Facebook and Twitter. My bad. =P

Maybe I’ll talk later about what’s been going on in my life. Right now, though, here’s my most recent sets on Flickr.


Friendship Park 4/20/12


Mystery Castle 2/5/12


Warrior Dash 2012 Arizona

Enjoy!

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Let’s Play Catch-Up!

Posted on March 25, 2012 by Christopher

Clock the mosaic to see the most recent pictures in my Flickr… or you can just go to my main page (http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisw357/) to browse through everything.

This is my attempt to get back to blogging my pics and other things, so don’t judge me if I’m not a success. =P

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From October Until Now…

Posted on February 20, 2012 by Christopher

I wonder if I can really tell all of what’s been going on with me without boring everyone to tears? Haha!

Well, to put it simply, work has consumed my life temporarily. I started with my new job back in September. From then on, my photography slowly began to take a back seat in my life. The only major project I had done during that time, after I got hired, was a wedding shoot for a friend. Then, after that, I pretty much abandoned my 365 project, as you can see from my Flickr timeline. I had to make that change because I was not only just learning industrial work, but also getting adjusted to my changing shifts. I went from mornings, to evenings, and finally to night shift, all within four months! The only thing I’ve done semi-constant updates on is Facebook. Even my Twitter, it seems, is now an afterthought. Well, there’s also Instagram, but that’s light photography to me, unless I put my Canon pics up there.

So, in short, it’s just been work, work, work. Because of this, I now have some imbalance in my life which is threatening to send in the dark clouds of depression. I’m hoping I can get more adjusted to my new life soon so that I can have the drive to do the things I love. It’s coming in spurts, so I’m letting my drive come in its own time. However, I have another change coming up: longer shifts! My work wants to go to 12 hour shifts; three on, three off and then four on, four off. When will this madness end? We’ll have to see.

So, now you know the scoop, or at least the big spoonful, of my life thus far. Other than that, I just celebrated a year of dating my Emma, and I can say that it’s been a healthy relationship for me, under the long-distance circumstances. We talk and send pictures every day, and we try to see each other almost every weekend on Skype or FaceTime. I’m very happy with this part of my life.

Oh, and iPhone gaming is a big part of my life, too. Maybe I’ll talk about a few favorite games sometime later in this blog!

Well, that’s all for now… Oh! I did say that I may post pictures, right? Well, that’s coming back again soon, so please stay tuned on my RSS feed for more to come.

Cheers!

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